I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
