I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
