so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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