I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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