Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
