your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
