Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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