well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
