Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
