Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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