I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
