We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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