He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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