You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
