You don't have asthma, your pregnant
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
