so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
bring money and cleavage
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
