i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
