i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
