I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
