I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
where am i from again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ttyl tear gas
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
