I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
