im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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