Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
