I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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