Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
