its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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