Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
