I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.