Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.