dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
it's like iHOP with fire
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
