who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
