my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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