I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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