there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can I color on your dick again?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
