god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.