I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.