On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
