My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I love you. Go after that dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize