he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
