Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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