it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I pour the whiskey from now on
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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