I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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