i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize