Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize