If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
