Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dear god my vagina.
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