His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
