I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
