READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
