you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
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