my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I supernannyed him into submission
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
