I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
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My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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