I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
