Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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