On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
