I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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