I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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