I can tuck mytits in my pants
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we're making bets on your personal life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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