Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
