How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
